I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I had a very weird and strange experience happen to me a couple of days ago that freaked me out and I was reminded of it.
I was at a friend's house while they were out at the LA autoshow and I had drifted to sleep on the couch while I was watching TV. At some point, my body started to shiver, much like you would when you're out in the cold with no jacket on. Me knowing that I'm shivering and shaking shows that I wasn't sleeping. At this point I try to open my eyes because it the house wasn't cold enough for me to shake like that but there was a problem. I could barely open my eyes. I tried to force myself but I couldn't. It went from bad to worse when I tried to move my arms but I couldn't. I couldn't move my body at all. I started to become really scared and panicked. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move. Something was terribly wrong.
This lasted for 10 minutes but it felt longer. I hesitate to use clichés. I was totally conscious of my surroundings and myself and I've never felt such a terrifying experience. At one point I thought I was dying and I was going to die then and there. My friends were going to return to a corpse on their couch...
Obviously that didn't happen as I'm writing this entry. I've never been...well it was scary being immobilized and paralyzed like that. Especially when you're doing something unrisky like sleeping. Being reminded of that event made me think if my time is coming soon. Or if my time isn't coming soon, how much longer do I have in this world. I'm not ready to leave and this is the closest thing I've had to coming close to my mortality. There was another instance but this is the closest.
I have a lot to lose. So many people I love and would love to grow old with. Have I told them I loved them enough? Do they know? Far too much left to do and to experience. I barely scratched the surface. I feel, at this moment, like I've squandered most of my time here and I hate that. Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot but I want to do and experience more. This was certainly a life changing experience. My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Where and how do I go from here?
And all the king's men...