Sometimes it takes a life lesson, a fall if you will, to help you realize how far off the path you’ve strayed. The last three years of the pandemic has taken a toll on my life that I have to be honest about and acknowledge.
During the first days of the pandemic, trying to maintain my safety and health was a concern of mine considering that my main method of getting around was through public transportation so the risk of contracting covid was a real issue (I still have yet to contact it due to my practice of religiously wearing a mask; still do to this day), but I was lucky to avoid catching covid during the fog of uncertainty that was the early days of the pandemic largely due to the kindness, love and generosity of my girlfriend who loaned me her car to keep me safe.
A dancer’s silhouette in the spotlight - I took this photo of Sandy Luque for a feature story while we were testing and setting up for lights. I wanted to capture and convey the solitary moments in between the passion and hard work dancers put into the craft that were don’t often get to see. Expired Fuji Colorpress 400
I would have never thought that I would live to see the day where I would be living through a pandemic that has killed so many people, and is currently still doing so. That fear of contracting and possibly dying from Covid-19 was hammered into my psyche in those early days, yet even then I would go out to photograph and document this new world we all found ourselves in, safely of course. Though I didn’t go out as much as I did pre-pandemic, I still made the attempt to document and be a witness to history. And then Delta hit.
Balance - Briana Skye Bauer rehearses her routine for an upcoming performance. Expired Fuji Colorpress 400
I was naive to have entertained the thought that this pandemic would be short lived. That medical science and the government would have this figured out quickly and that we’d be back to normalcy in no time. That turned out to be wrong as reports of the ever growing number of people contracting the virus, far too many of those were deaths, kept accumulating as the days, weeks and months passed. It definitely was a scary time for me, that a more virulent variant of a virus that had already killed thousands of people was now afflicting society. If the handful amount of times I did go out to practice my craft before Delta hit, I was definitely going out a lot less after Delta.
Mind you, I was vaccinated for Delta around this time which made me feel safer, but I hedged my bet and thought it best that the less I put myself in a situation of risk, the better off and safer I would be, but that came at a cost.
Small joys - A candid photograph of my friend Talia finding some joy in this moment. Expired Fuji Colorpress 400
Months passed, years even, the ever mounting number of death the pandemic had afflicted. The resulting pain and suffering people that have been affected by it took its toll. In hindsight I subconsciously just shut down both physically and emotionally trying to cope to this new world. I stopped going out to document the world. I stopped seeing my friends in person and maintaining a good relationship with them. I stopped being emotionally true to myself to where I would bottle things internally, needlessly, affecting my ability to properly resolve conflict and not properly expressing my feelings. I lost sight of and stopped being me.
Celebration - A fan celebrates a hit during a Dodgers home game. I think the secondary line on the infield is the camera catching the movement of the ball, because that line should not exist. Expired Fuji Colorpress 400
It wasn’t until a recent life event that forced to me to collect my thoughts and reassess my standing and outlook on life to realize what I have lost and make the necessary changes to regain my former self. I began to remember who and what I once was that came by way of developing a couple of rolls of film that have been aging for the better part of seven years. It may sound weird or alien to you reading this, but the ability to reconnect to the moments I captured so many years ago, to see those images and memories, have helped me find my way back to myself. The photos I have shared within this post came from those rolls, photos I took in 2016. They may not be of great quality since the film itself was originally a decade expired, but they’re mine, and I’m thankful and lucky to be able to be reunited with them.
How you see me - I don’t remember who took this photo of me. Expired Fuji Colorpress 400
So where do I go from here? Forward. We all lose our way sometimes, but even when we do, we have the capacity and capability to change for the better and find ourselves again, no matter however long it took or takes. The important thing is that we acknowledge it and take that first step to change, regain or both. So I’m taking a realistic approach by taking small, progressive steps. I’m definitely photographing and documenting a bit more now, while still being safe because we’re still in a pandemic. There will be more rolls of film to be developed and they will be shared more regularly and I will continually work on myself, not only for my benefit, but for those around me as well. It’ll take some time, but I’ll be home in a minute.